Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies
Gore Vidal (1925-2012)
Commentary
From Evolution to Civilisation
Saxby Pridmore1; Said Shahtahmasebi2
1Discipline of Psychiatry, University of Tasmania, Hobart, TAS, Australia;
2The Good Life Research Centre Trust, Christchurch, New Zealand;
Correspondance: Prof S Pridmore, email: s.pridmore@utas.edu.au
Received: 10/5/2025; Revised: 20/05/2025; Accepted: 27/05/2025
Key words: success, failure, adversity.
[citation: Pridmore, Saxby & Shahtahmasebi, Said (2025). From Evolution to Civilisation. Dynamics of Human Health (DHH), 12(1):https://journalofhealth.co.nz/?page_id=3212].
Literature can often be a commentary on social cohesion. As such, literature, whether printed or motion picture or digital format has often been a great source of estimating the mood of society at a given time. It can provide commentary on the state of socio-political status of societies and, social change over time, for example, Pridmore and colleagues have used various manuscripts and statements by those regarded as great influencers to establish that historically suicide was rarely considered a mental illness (e.g see Pridmore & Pridmore 2018; Pridmore et al 2019; Pridmore 2018; Pridmore & Pridmore 2019).
However, historical statements, documents, and stories provide a context for commentaries about the state of society. It is much more puzzling when the statements by well-known and well regarded individuals are surprisingly counterintuitive.
For example, the following list of nine surprising quotes from civilised people:-
“We envy those whose acquisitions and successful efforts are a reproach to us.”
Aristotle (384-322 BC)
“In the misfortune of our best friends, we find something which is not displeasing to us.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
“I am convinced that we have a degree of delight, and that no small one, in the real misfortunes and pains of others”
John Bunyan (1628-1688)
“I never knew any man in my life, who could not bear another’s misfortunes perfectly like a Christian.’
Alexander Pope (1688-1744)
“It is very easy to endure the difficulties or one’s enemies. It is the successes of one’s friends that are hard to bear.”
And
“There is always something about your success that displeases even your best friends.”
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
“Failure is not our only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others.”
Jules Renard (1864-1910)
“It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.”
and
“Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies”
Nine very surprizing quotes from seven reputable writers/philosophers, one from the 4th Century BC, three from the 17th Century, and one from the 19th, 20th and 21st Centuries. Surprizing, as they comment on a human behaviour which escapes the notice of many.
They deal with the rarely mentioned experience of displeasure when others, particularly friends experience success. Aristotle (4th Century BC) identifies our experience when others succeed as “envy”. De La Rochefoucauld (17th Century) comes from the opposite direction identifies that the “misfortune of our best friends” carries some positive experience for us.
Bunyan and Pope (both 17th Century) remarked of the misfortunes of others not difficult to bear/bring some pleasure. Wilde (19th Century) remarked on the successes of others being difficult to bear.
Renard (19th Century) considers the experience of the success of others as our “punishment for laziness.”
Vidal (20th-21st) century is most outspoken, stating that for his pleasure, “others must fail” and that if a friend succeeds, “a little something in me dies”.
In short these, these dignitaries are stating that the failure of others bring us some pleasure and the success of others brings us some distress. Of course, some of these writers/philosophers may have been promoting this view simply as a means of gaining some fame/notoriety.
However, when a group of sensible/serious people discuss this topic, many reveal they have experienced such feelings.
It is probable these are common experiences – but they are seldom mentioned. Why? Probably because these experiences run counter to our culture, which values good manner, kindness and helpfulness.
Through the aeons of evolution the survival as each species depended on each individual of the species being primarily concerned about their own well-being, ultimately leading to the survival of the fittest. This disposition toward self-preservation continues to the present day. However, good manners and love of our fellow man also have some beneficial consequences. The early self-preservation wiring remains, as we use common sense to allow the benefits of good manners/civilization to place icing on the cake.
On the other hand, self-preservation may also dictate the failures of others – it provides the feel of (at least) self-approval, and the authority to exclaim, “I told you so!”
In an environment where people compete instead of cooperate and share ideas and information such statements may not appear adversarial. Under such environments history has shown us that when failure is not observed then it can be (covertly) encouraged, e.g. the tale of rivalry between Pearson vs Fisher in evolution of statistical applications (Salsburg, 2001). In more recent history, the medicalisation of suicide prevention comes to mind where psychiatry/psychology refuses to acknowledge, accept or participate in multi-disciplinary non-medical suicide prevention development. Therefore, despite human intuition and social and political codes and ethics the emotion of happiness experienced through failures of others is not enough – humans are capable of making their wish come true!
Of course, with competitiveness comes adversariness, which often leads to a lack of trust, divisions and detachment, slow or no progress, and so on. The (surprising) emotion of getting pleasure in other’s failure or predicament is one of the many dimensions of dynamics of human behaviour that has influenced our current health and social policies.
References
Pridmore, Willaim & Pridmore, Saxby. (2018). Suicide in Dr Zhivago. Dynamics of Human Health (DHH), 5(3): http://www.journalofhealth.co.nz/?page_id=1622.
Pridmore, S., Pridmore, W. & Shahtahmasebi, S. (2019). Suicide triggers in Les Misérables. DHH; 6(2): http://www.journalofhealth.co.nz/?page_id=1834.
Pridmore, Saxby. (2018). Jesus, Socrates and suicide prevention. Dynamics of Human Health (DHH), 5(3): http://www.journalofhealth.co.nz/?page_id=1627.
Pridmore, S. & Pridmore, W. (2019). Suicide: Do the greatest minds in history have anything to offer? DHH; 6(4):http://www.journalofhealth.co.nz/?page_id=1953.
Salsburg, D. (2001). The lady tasting tea: Henry Holt & Company.
